Seth’s World View

It’s thin, and often comes down to perspective. What is failure, exactly? Before delving in, this is where I say that this post is not an attempt at being objective, but is more the personal variety.

I’ve been putting myself more on the line of late. It can be scary to step out, knowing you can get your head chopped off, and your heart smashed. Well, I’ve felt that. Some things, like say, traveling to New Zealand, are more about inertia, actually going. Other things, like leading or asking someone out, those cut close to the heart. There is more to lose by being wrong, or at least it feels that way. Yet, the things that mean the most to me are connected to emotion, and desire, and vision.

There is a quote I found once by searching for the name of a friend, who is now my flatmate, by someone of the same name: “Life is too short to be consumed with yourself. Sometimes you just gotta do what you’re made to do, no matter what obstacles are in your way. Somebody somewhere needs you to believe in your dreams.”

Makes me think and inspires a bit. The idea that a dream of mine can be more than about me. What’s more, that living my dreams can be a key to unlock the dreams of others, to help other people dream, to give other people something to hold onto. And no doubt, I need others to believe in their dreams, for me to be a part of. Take the current coffee house I am a part of. In many respects, it is a dream of mine. But my attempts to pursue it didn’t go far out in Pennsylvania. Other people had a dream for a coffee house in Fort Collins, Colorado. I am now contributing my dream, but only because some others followed theirs.

There’s been other dreams buried within my soul, which I’ve feared to really stand out with. They are not about me, though they aren’t wholly selfless either. I want to be a part of that which I dream, at least initially. I want to start things. Ah yes, I like to do what isn’t, to see what could complete the whole. It’s where I’m most satisfied. And it’s so, so hard. You know, I have a great foundation of education and leadership. But experience, well, I could point you to a number of deficiencies. And having a speech communication degree, let me tell you, my skill doesn’t match my capability. I have high expectations for myself, probably higher than is realistic. Ponder that one for a minute.

There is a line from The Lion King said to Simba, “You are more than what you have become.” I’ve felt that in all my years post college. And even now that I am trying to build community and service in our church body to our local community, it’s a feeling on being on the cusp of being. But it’s better, like I’m closer to what I am made to be. But the fear isn’t totally gone, even if it has shone itself to be the lie that it always is. I wrote out a plan last year. It took a year to get behind my fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of what others thought of me. And I’m blown away by the trust given me, by me being given the freedom to fail. And that’s important, to be empowered to fail, rather than protected. Because there isn’t a simple blueprint to follow. Even with ideas, there is the question of how to lay the foundation ‘here.’ What is the soil like? Are there earthquakes? How much will it cost?

The most surprising part of this process is how well I’m handling failure. In truth though, failure is mostly a lie. In my life, failure is when I give up when I should press on. Failures to failing to learn for setbacks. For everything that doesn’t go according to plan, there is something to learn, a way to grow, and perhaps most importantly, a reminder that all I touch doesn’t turn to gold, nor should it. Knowing when to push hard and knowing when to let things be is a difficult knowing. God is there. And God reminds me that nothing is guaranteed. As much as it depends on me, I want things to succeed, for people to be connected, and oh, to be loving. But I don’t have all the abilities I could, all the discipline I could, and you know, I will fail. And even if I don’t fail, what I try to do may fail, because other people aren’t interested, because they aren’t invited, or a plethora of reasons, which may or may not involve me.

You know what though, there is serendipity even when my plans fail. I’ve met one person here, one person there, and can point to some beauty or insight with every recent failure. I’m learning about God, about myself, and about things that excite a few individuals. And that’s how things are built. One by one.

This past week has been hard on me, and my attitude and courage were lower this weekend. I was a bit more afraid, and not really as loving. I don’t feel as up to it. I’m not looking forward to this week as a whole. And am not sure of some things. Which can perhaps overshadow the things that are going well, the paths just waiting for me to tread and build upon. It leaves me dependent. On God, who wants me to trust and listen. And dependent on you. And the friends I chatted with tonight.

So, I go home to finish the work that remains for the evening after this interlude. I hope that what I give and put out there is of meaning to you, and perhaps inspires you to put yourself out there. We are all broken, but maybe if we all take our broken pieces and put them together, it will create something beautiful. And we can leave success and failure to others.

I’ve had a few discussions about making money on the Internet as of late. I’ve read and listened and watched quite a bit on Internet marketing. There’s money to be made and much to be learned. The concepts are pretty simple, using market research as a foundation to identify and test a niche. Then execute well using one of a few business models.

I like the idea of passive income. I like it because it means I could volunteer my time to change the world in some fashion without the constraints of needing a paycheck. Getting to that point point takes quite an investment though….of time. I can, after all, already volunteer some of my time.

After thinking about it, I’m still not all that excited about making money or buying things. Having a comfortable amount of money is nice, but the idea of working longer and harder for more money has never been all that appealing to me. Instead, I like to view the Internet as a vast communication and cultural medium that is essentially a giant board game. I grew up on board games and my favorite were and still are strategy games, like Risk, Axis and Allies, etc. In recent years, I’ve been playing fantasy football, and have discovered I especially like my dynasty league. Why? I like the research and investment part, the risk analysis, buying low. I won my league a few years ago, and have won other leagues. While the money is a nice perk, that’s not a motivator. It’s about winning the game, about implementing a strategy, and enjoying a little luck along the way.

It’s not about winning at all costs. Winning isn’t worth that. Losing my soul isn’t worth it. It’s easily not worth the money to take advantage of someone on the net in order to make more money. That’s not a win. I want to make the world a better place, and I want to make the Internet a better place. Why be there otherwise? Just because something is legal doesn’t mean it’s right. It’s the pursuit of integrity whether I always live up to my own ideals or not. Selling people what they are looking for is fine with me. I’m uneasy, however, about convincing people they need to purchase something they don’t need in order to meet some created need. There is tension in me because I would rather discourage consumerism rather than encourage it. Perhaps, though, that is a good tension to have for someone who works on the Net.

But the Internet, it’s a game, like chess, or any other strategy game that requires some forethought and implementing a strategy. It’s using the tools and putting myself ourselves our there to see what’s possible. It’s dreaming about what kind of life we can live in this new world. Let the games begin.

So, I’m writing on my blog.

I’m not sure about blogging these days, as in, I’m not sure what I want to write about. There are endless topics, but only so many that I’d write about consistently. My Christian Imagination blog seems to have run its course, served its purpose. My French Press Coffee blog is making me $10-20/month without much effort. Maybe I’ll do some videos and review some products. I started blogs about Working Abroad and Summer Jobs Abroad, and though interesting in the topics, haven’t written much. Maybe it would help if I was working abroad.

Until I figure out where I’m musing, I’ll return to my original blog, Seth’s World View.

I am, at this time, cleaning house. That mostly means shifting material things around in preparation of an impending flatmate. The organization of said things that has been on my backburner list, but the imperative to actually move said things hasn’t been momentous enough. So, things sat. They sat because I had the space, and the space didn’t object to the layout of the objects in space. The space will no longer conform, and thus requires that things be jettisoned, whether to storage, trash, or other peoples’ hands.

I wonder about the latter. And I wonder about the purpose of things. I have more things than I need, and there are people in need, yet there is no simplicity in making that connection. It actually takes effort to get rid of things, time to find buyers, legwork to avoid the trash heap. I have an older, smallish TV, and I have to wonder how many people would turn it down because it is neither large nor digital nor truly cable ready. So, I look at my things, things that I desire to not be, and wonder where they could go. I also look at things, like computer speakers, and realize that they have been in my closet for a few years. Oh yes, they might come in useful, but more than likely they would be better not in my closet actually being used, and that applies to a number of things. I could sell them on craiglist or ebay, though unless they are a high priced item, and many things aren’t, the money made is less than the time spent. Maybe though, I could give them to other people who could sell them on ebay. Hmmmm.

For now, I’ll just feel good that all my camping gear is on two shelves. Yes, that is good.

So, I’m sitting here, waiting for a Camtasia video to render. Thinking. I do that. Think. Not so much the rendering, though I’m really liking Camtasia. It’s testing me.

This is the first post I’ve written since bringing my blog up from the depths. It had dropped off the face of the earth do to me turning off pinging, setting robots to deny all traffic, and erasing my name off the site. I have multiple blogs, and a business website, so trying to figure out how much to share is one of those questions. Since I want to have a space to be myself, this will be that space. The very personal posts will be password protected. If you are a friend, you may already have the password, and if not, can request it. My other blogs are spaces where people can get a glimpse of who I am, but where I’d rather have them NOT be about me. So there you go.

I’ve been thinking about what matters to me. Comes down to relationships with people. I don’t always make the effort, but yet I thirst for it. Am learning to be more thankful of late. I do have some good friends…and I don’t always appreciate them enough.

Also been thinking how I too often get caught up in the rat race. I don’t particularly like the course, but I give it a go now and then. Get tired, then realize I’m not even interested in being a part of it. It takes a lot to be successful in an ever-changing world. I want to be responsible, and put my heart into whatever I choose to do, yet, I don’t want my job to define me. I don’t want to be known solely by what I do for a living. It’s one identity, but not my only one. There are those who have their business blogs that are an extension of what they do for a living, and they put a lot of time into it. Bravo! I will do some writing in the near future for our company website. But, even with a communications degree, and recognizing the value of social media, I value a real, face to face conversation where I am relaxed and present more. To be always connected is not to be always present.

It’s not so much about business, volunteering, status or anything else, but what they are to us, to me. I meet great people through my job, through doing sound, through coffee shop hopping, and so on. I need to remember that.

And a girl’s on my mind too. That’s all I know about that.

Moments. Hopefully ones that matter to me.