Seth’s World View

It’s thin, and often comes down to perspective. What is failure, exactly? Before delving in, this is where I say that this post is not an attempt at being objective, but is more the personal variety.

I’ve been putting myself more on the line of late. It can be scary to step out, knowing you can get your head chopped off, and your heart smashed. Well, I’ve felt that. Some things, like say, traveling to New Zealand, are more about inertia, actually going. Other things, like leading or asking someone out, those cut close to the heart. There is more to lose by being wrong, or at least it feels that way. Yet, the things that mean the most to me are connected to emotion, and desire, and vision.

There is a quote I found once by searching for the name of a friend, who is now my flatmate, by someone of the same name: “Life is too short to be consumed with yourself. Sometimes you just gotta do what you’re made to do, no matter what obstacles are in your way. Somebody somewhere needs you to believe in your dreams.”

Makes me think and inspires a bit. The idea that a dream of mine can be more than about me. What’s more, that living my dreams can be a key to unlock the dreams of others, to help other people dream, to give other people something to hold onto. And no doubt, I need others to believe in their dreams, for me to be a part of. Take the current coffee house I am a part of. In many respects, it is a dream of mine. But my attempts to pursue it didn’t go far out in Pennsylvania. Other people had a dream for a coffee house in Fort Collins, Colorado. I am now contributing my dream, but only because some others followed theirs.

There’s been other dreams buried within my soul, which I’ve feared to really stand out with. They are not about me, though they aren’t wholly selfless either. I want to be a part of that which I dream, at least initially. I want to start things. Ah yes, I like to do what isn’t, to see what could complete the whole. It’s where I’m most satisfied. And it’s so, so hard. You know, I have a great foundation of education and leadership. But experience, well, I could point you to a number of deficiencies. And having a speech communication degree, let me tell you, my skill doesn’t match my capability. I have high expectations for myself, probably higher than is realistic. Ponder that one for a minute.

There is a line from The Lion King said to Simba, “You are more than what you have become.” I’ve felt that in all my years post college. And even now that I am trying to build community and service in our church body to our local community, it’s a feeling on being on the cusp of being. But it’s better, like I’m closer to what I am made to be. But the fear isn’t totally gone, even if it has shone itself to be the lie that it always is. I wrote out a plan last year. It took a year to get behind my fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of what others thought of me. And I’m blown away by the trust given me, by me being given the freedom to fail. And that’s important, to be empowered to fail, rather than protected. Because there isn’t a simple blueprint to follow. Even with ideas, there is the question of how to lay the foundation ‘here.’ What is the soil like? Are there earthquakes? How much will it cost?

The most surprising part of this process is how well I’m handling failure. In truth though, failure is mostly a lie. In my life, failure is when I give up when I should press on. Failures to failing to learn for setbacks. For everything that doesn’t go according to plan, there is something to learn, a way to grow, and perhaps most importantly, a reminder that all I touch doesn’t turn to gold, nor should it. Knowing when to push hard and knowing when to let things be is a difficult knowing. God is there. And God reminds me that nothing is guaranteed. As much as it depends on me, I want things to succeed, for people to be connected, and oh, to be loving. But I don’t have all the abilities I could, all the discipline I could, and you know, I will fail. And even if I don’t fail, what I try to do may fail, because other people aren’t interested, because they aren’t invited, or a plethora of reasons, which may or may not involve me.

You know what though, there is serendipity even when my plans fail. I’ve met one person here, one person there, and can point to some beauty or insight with every recent failure. I’m learning about God, about myself, and about things that excite a few individuals. And that’s how things are built. One by one.

This past week has been hard on me, and my attitude and courage were lower this weekend. I was a bit more afraid, and not really as loving. I don’t feel as up to it. I’m not looking forward to this week as a whole. And am not sure of some things. Which can perhaps overshadow the things that are going well, the paths just waiting for me to tread and build upon. It leaves me dependent. On God, who wants me to trust and listen. And dependent on you. And the friends I chatted with tonight.

So, I go home to finish the work that remains for the evening after this interlude. I hope that what I give and put out there is of meaning to you, and perhaps inspires you to put yourself out there. We are all broken, but maybe if we all take our broken pieces and put them together, it will create something beautiful. And we can leave success and failure to others.