Seth’s World View

I read about simplicity this past week. A child trusts, simply, as we are to trust our Lord, that there will be food to eat, shelter, that things will be taken care of for tomorrow.

I’ve never felt simple. When have I not tried too hard? And 34 years into life, where am I? Farther along? I should say. But the road is long…long. I wonder how mature I am. I wonder how emotionally together I am. I never learned to deal with emotions growing up. I repressed them. Being intellectually honest is easy. Okay, not really, but words detached from emotion are easier to speak. Looking back on my life, I wonder why I am still a Christian. Then again, sometimes it’s just been in name only. Faith and trust are not mere words. I either live them, or I don’t, and when I haven’t, can I honestly call that a relationship with God?

I don’t know why I fear so. It’s not trust, but to trust, I have to trust. I question myself still. I’m used to pretending to be good, after all. And I guess many would consider me quite good, but not always as good as I appear, for I am, very human. And when I’m selfish, is that good? No. I realize that I am anything but self-assured. I can be slayed with a word. Not as much as my younger days, but still. And now, all these years later, I still don’t feel like I’m enough, still don’t feel good enough, don’t feel I’ll be seen as good enough, together enough, strong enough. And I tire of trying to be anything. Simple sounds good. Not trying. Being. Being.

I just want to hide away. I hid away when I was younger. Didn’t do much for me. But when around people, I may feel the need to not be simple, because being accepted and liked and loved sometimes seems like one must be something other than what he is, or hold back, or not show that I like a given girl, so I don’t push anyone anyway. And I’m at the point of not even desiring to analyze or understand. I’m too tired.