Seth’s World View

After a really good month, the best month in recent memory in terms of how I’ve lived life, I ran into a state of melancholy this weekend. So much in my life is good right now, and even when I’m down, there’s not much to be down about. Perhaps I would just like to forget myself so I wouldn’t get into these states of mind and would only think about the good of others, and know that I am doing good in this world. But I’m sad too, and I still wonder about God’s love and how much I really believe God answers prayer. I believe in God’s goodness, but I’m not sure I like what I perceive as God’s goodness or that it sufficiently aligns with what I think of as good. As a leader, I wish I had more faith. I tend to have more faith in what can be when it is beyond me and doesn’t involve me, than when it relies on the core of who I am. I feel really flawed at times, but know my life serves a purpose and that there are people that love me. My idealistic tendencies have leveled off, whether a good thing or bad, but locally, I’ll work with others to make this world a better place. I don’t know if that’s inspirational, but at least it’s real. I still want to change the world at times, and think of doing stuff like the Peace Corps and other crazy things that I could do if I remain single and how cool that would all be, but then other days I lament my loneliness and wonder if I’ll ever be in a relationship, even if only for a season. There’s much I don’t know, but I’ll go on.

And going on, I’m thinking about age, and really don’t know what being 33 means. So many of the people I’m around have been on this planet a decade less than myself. Yet they don’t seem all that different to me, nor do people much older. I tend to see people as people, almost as peers, whatever their age. Perhaps I don’t always respect people that are older as much as I should, and perhaps I certainly don’t care whether those younger than me call me Sir or Mister. What does it mean to be a thirty-something, and a single thirty-something at that. I don’t know. I wish I was further along in life, and that I had it more together 10 years ago, and that some things didn’t take so long to click, and wish some other things would now be easier for me than they are. I wish I was good at dating, and that I knew what the dating pool even looked like. And with all I don’t know and that I hope for and sometimes lose hope for, I’m thankful for friends, and for my church, and coffee house, and small group, and work, and all those who make me feel like I’m not alone on this journey.

So ends my semi-melancholy rant for January 27th…