Seth’s World View

It’s another Friday night in the best place to live in the United States, otherwise known as Fort Collins. It’s not really the best place to live, but it is quite good. The plan was to go dancing tonight at Club Tico. After a long day, well, week, of work, I was more inclined to watch Battlestar Gallactica and rest rather than go ask random girls to swing dance. Another time. And speaking of time, this post will be long, really long, so just letting you (whoever you may be) know that before I get started.

Swing dancing has been interesting. When I grew up, dancing was evil, or at least not a good thing for a Christian to do, so I didn’t. When I got to college, a Christian college, they had just decided to allow dancing. I started to learn swing dancing, and asked a few girls to dances, but overall I was intimidated, and the girls never said yes, and I just gave up on it…for a long time.

I just got back into it, after years of stage fright. Now I’m behind, as two of my older brothers are now quite good at swing dancing (though one is more into ballroom, and very excellent at it). My brother Doug has now moved out to Colorado, so I have a little more motivation in that regard.

I’ve been told I’m too hard on myself, and yes it’s true. Whether it be work, Joe’s, small group, friendships, girls, it always seems like there’s more to be done, and more I can do, and that is true to a degree, sometimes I need to do more and be less distracted. And I fall short of my own expectations, and the expectations I perceive from others. And I often wonder if I measure up, and it’s so easy to think I don’t. Sometimes I don’t deal with things when I should. And sometimes I deal with things and wonder if I solved anything by trying to fix them. And then I want to crawl into my cave and lament the nature of the world and myself.

Yet, grace and forgiveness are the central themes of the religion, the way of life that I claim to follow. And how often do I extend grace and forgiveness to myself? How often do I trust in God’s grace and forgiveness for the world, for me? I think I thirst for these things, but for some reason refuse to drink. Maybe there’s a certain charm in controlling one’s own life and putting all my failures at my door. I recognize more and more that there is much I can’t control, much I can’t make right, that I don’t always know what to do, and to trust in a God greater than myself. Sometimes I do. But other times I think about how I fall short. In essence, I selfishly think about what I am not, rather than focusing on other people and doing the best I can, rather than following my heart more than wondering what other people think.

I manage life, I try to do things right, get life right, figure out what I need to. Sometimes it feels like I’m just trying to hold it all together, knowing I don’t have it all together, to where life seems a series of tasks. Where is my heart? My passion? My enthusiasm? Love for others? When do I forget myself? There are glimpses, but they can get lost in the fear of life I sometimes have.

I don’t believe in fear deep down. I believe in a life of imagination, risk-taking, going beyond one’s limits, all that. I was in a car accident (not my fault) a few weeks ago, and was almost in a car accident this week. In neither case was I shaken up, anxious, or afraid. Yet, last week, a girl on the dance floor gave me a negative vibe, and that shook me up for like a half-hour. I can travel to New Zealand without fear. Though I have yet to sky dive, I doubt I’ll be the least bit afraid. But fear of failure and what I perceive other people think can wreck me.

I think that if I ever get into a relationship with a girl, I’ll be just fine on that side of things. For one, I can talk about things, take ownership of my mistakes and grow, and am somewhat intuitive (at least when I’m not wrapped up in myself). I have failed thus far to get into a relationship though, and I must say, as the years progress and I haven’t felt a kiss on my lips, the hope fades pretty drastically. There have been 2-3 girls I’ve thought about in 2006. I wonder if I can just be myself, admit when I don’t know what to do, and don’t really feel like I can, though this could be false. It’s not like I see things accurately all the time. Right now, I feel like I’ll just mess up any opportunity, so I don’t see the point in trying anymore. It’s safer not to try when there seems no chance of success, right?

And then I can focus on all the things I’m trying to balance, and things I enjoy, and I so love being an Everyday Joe. And I can continue to build the company, and Joe’s, and all these things I might not be able to do if I were in a relationship. And then one day, I can live in Italy, and do the Peace Corps, and do Americorps, and do third-world missions, and write, and take photographs and maybe that’s what God would have me do anyway and maybe I’m just meant to carry painful disappointment with me. Sorrow and Joy are intertwined, each making the other more powerful.

And maybe one day I’ll forgot myself, and be like Saint Francis of Assisi, and smell the flowers, talk to the birds, play a harp, and live in joyful poverty. Or even Rich Mullins, a man who knew something of love and humility. Someone who loves, and who at the end of my days, people can say, I loved.

But for now, that’s not where I’m at. I wouldn’t trade anything I’m involved in, but it’s overwhelming to be challenged so much and have to grow through it. I’d rather be overwhelemed than bored, and really, I’m not doing too much. Jesus said, “Be not anxious for your life.” Yet I am, and when I’m not, it’s wonderful. I learning to dance, and I’m finding it a great way to make a connection, like I’m been missing out. But I have to push through the fear and anxiety, and stop worrying about other people’s expectations and whether I am measuring up. Amazing how when I am self-conscious, I fulfill my worry because I am less fun to be with. In this way, dancing is a snapshot of life. When I focus on other people, and allow myself to shine through, I am truly me, and offer much to those around me. When I worry, I keep myself hidden, and don’t love, and cease to inspire.

I was listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack for the bulk of this post. How’s that for depressing? I’m not depressed, just melancholy. I probably appear just fine to most people, and really, life’s pretty good. I’m thankful for my friends, and much of my current life. Maybe one day I’ll learn to be consistently content with myself.

Shalom