Seth’s World View

I sit here, downstairs, in my living room after finishing a movie and exercising (yes, at the same time). Today was a good day, a day unplanned and unstressed. A day where I played tennis, ate lunch with a friend, talked to my bro, played with my dog, researched e-commerce, and am now typing away on my blog.

As I have moved down the path of transparency, I see my reflected self more clearly. What I see most brightly, is that hope has been the biggest void in my life, for a long time, to varying degrees. I’ve tried to manufacture faith, but faith is the substance of hope, and if hope isn’t true, then faith is unfounded. For an idealistic, lack of hope is death.

Girls and the whole relationship thing has been at the top of the list. Whether I would ever be as good a person as I’d like to be was probably next. Will I ever get it together? And if not, can I at least be loving and forgiven. Actually, I’d rather be loving and live in forgiving grace, but it sometimes seems unattainable. Can I have the things deepest in my heart, and be the kind of person I still envision I can be? Despair is a falacy, but there is plenty I can use against myself to prove that I don’t have ‘it’ and that I’m destined for melancholy.

All that to say, after a long talk with myself on Thursday night, I believe in hope again. Whether that will be significant a month from now, we’ll see. It’s just that, I’m here on this planet, and the dark path is, well, dark, and I’m not too keen on it. Maybe there’s something to be learned by peering into the abyss and living to tell the tale. This world will pass, and another will go on, and I eventually will be fully in the latter. And because of that, there really is no reason to be overly cautious. We’re all going to die, so might as well learn to live before that day, and risk all that I am, since I think only there is life found. For now, hope has done what it hasn’t done in awhile, reach into my heart, and make me really believe it. There’s no reluctance, no significant fear, only hope.