Seth’s World View

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart.
-Jeremiah 29:11-13

God isn’t easy to find. Ever think about that? Some say He is clearly seen, others that He is distant, and others say He isn’t. And even those of us who believe He absolutely is, how much of Him can we know absolutely? I think God is more than creator, and is involved, though I don’t always understand how He works. The Bible does talk of His nature though, and since I’m convinced there is a spiritual world, the God of the Bible seems worthy to me. I haven’t found any other that would cause me to worship. Interesting tangent. Do you ever feel compelled to worship God? I’ll ponder that one.

I became aware, when in New Zealand, of the passage above that I had read and heard hundreds of time. By aware, I mean I finally got it. God promises to be found, if, IF, we seek Him with all our heart. Ah, it is there that it struck me to the heart. My heart, which so rarely gave all of itself. I realized that the moments that I did anything with all my heart were few. Even today, a few years later, now knowing this, they still are too few. It’s hard to give our heart. No one likes having it thrown back at them or trampled underfoot (and even less a sensitive dreamer such as myself). I’ve always battled fear, and when not fear, motivation, wondering ‘is it worth it?’ But that’s not life. Sadly, many die, not to themselves, but to who they are…they cease living. At times, so have I. I’m not talking in the breathing sense, but in the ‘heart’ sense. We walk but are dead to the world.

I have had a series of defining moments, moments where I get it, moments where I feel God’s presence, moments where I grasp hold of truth. Some things comes in cycles. Others come and go. I know what it worth believing…but I often don’t have the courage to live it. I even has talked about the value of pain and facing fear. Yet, right now, I can say that pain is one of the things that has thrown me down the most, pain that tears down the core of who I am, pain largely based on lies that prevents me from being who I am. I’ve created quite a bit of pain for myself in this life, amplified by the internalization and mulling of pain. And last night, I asked God, why? Why so much pain? I must admit, I have trouble believing in a God who allows pain in my life.

Who is God anyway? The Bible says God will take care of all my needs? What are needs? But wait, as I take my eyes off myself, I hear, I see people who have less than me, people who have harder lives than me, people who have experienced severe disappointments and pain, and you know what, some of these people have faith, real faith. Perhaps they see God differently, as He really is. They see something I don’t see. God, I want to see you, not my idea of you, but you, the King of the Universe, who’s voice cracks like thunder, and yet speaks in a gentle wind. There’s power in that God.

God isn’t what I want Him to be. He’s not always what the Church says He is either. He does promise to take care of what we need. He doesn’t promise to give us everything we want. He wouldn’t be loving if He did. Why some things have gone the way they have, I don’t know. My sin is part of it, but I’m only human, and all fall short of the glory of God, and that’s okay. God doesn’t expect perfection, nor is it required, thanks to Jesus. Sin though is bad for us, and there is power to overcome.

I don’t know about you, but I care less about sinning when I am feeling pain or running away from pain. Various sins seem, almost, earned. I mean, if we feel pain, they escaping that pain becomes a priority. And if pain speaks that loud, God’s love just doesn’t seem real, does it? I don’t think so. When I actually care about what God thinks, I sin less. It’s been a zig-zag journey of trying to face pain. Pain and love go hand in hand, and when I refrain from pain, I cease to love, and my life has been marked by a substantial amount of lovelessness. I’ve served people and such, but genuine love? Not so much.

Seek with all my heart? How successful would I be if I did everything with all my heart? Actually, that’s probably not possible, as I only have so much heart to give. I’m also not to sure about the whole, do what your heart says thing. Sometimes the heart is deceitful, or lacking in priorities. No, the question for me is: What can I put my heart into? My heart isn’t always running strong, but every moment, I can choose to give my whole heart, if it’s something I am willing to put my whole heart into. If I always gave my whole heart to the things that are most important to me, I would still fail, but I know I would succeed more often than I do now. And even when I failed, I would be further ahead than if my heart weren’t in it, or if I had never tried at all.

So, Seth, you have one life to live on this great planet. What’s it going to be? Are you more alive in your doubt God? Do you feel better when you are afraid? Does avoiding pain save you from pain, or create more pain? Sigh. Okay. Being broken for the 1,236th time, here I am. You are there. You want us to search for you. You want us to have faith in your goodness in the midst of trials. You are good in ways we can’t fathom. I don’t know if I’ll get all the things I want in life. I’m not everything I’d like to be, and don’t know if I ever will. But I’m going to trust You right now, with my whole heart, and will try to do so every day. For now, all I have is this moment of trust.

I trust that You are God, and that the Bible speaks of You
I trust that You keep the promises spoken of in the Bible
I trust that faith can move mountains, can do what can’t seem possible
I will believe that a God-inspired imagination can do wonders
I trust that you are good, that you love me immensely, and forgive me
And if you forgive me, then I forgive myself as well
Lastly, I trust that I am your child, and my identity and security are based on You

And as far as prayers, I will believe that you hear and care about the following prayers (in order of importance to me):
1. I want to love you and have that be my motivation to serve you
2. I want to truly love people and desire to be involved in their lives
3. I’d like a girlfriend, preferably a soulmate, and maybe one day, a wife
4. Let me know what part to play in my church, in GAP, and other areas of service
5. Help me to be whole-hearted