Seth’s World View

1. On a dark night, Kindled in love with yearnings—oh, happy chance!—
I went forth without being observed, My house being now at rest.

So starts the poem by St. John of the Cross titled Dark Night of the Soul. The commentary describes the Dark Night as:

INTO this dark night souls begin to enter when God draws them forth from the state of beginners—which is the state of those that meditate on the spiritual road—and begins to set them in the state of progressives—which is that of those who are already contemplatives—to the end that, after passing through it, they may arrive at the state of the perfect, which is that of the Divine union of the soul with God.

Whether I have been or am or will be in a state that fits St. John’s Dark Night I don’t know, but there are dark periods where light seems dim and God seems withdrawn. How strong is our faith when we don’t sense God’s presence, when we don’t see Him move, when all around seems dark? Suffering is always a strange concept since it is often so dependent on perspective. What I don’t see colors my vision. I’m usually not aware when ‘bad’ things in my life are for the greater good, of myself or others. I’m usually not aware when suffering makes me stronger. There’s just a lot I don’t see on this plain of existence. Yet, some matters are clear, where sin clouds the sky and causes pain, suffering, loneliness. Sin though goes deeper than we, or I, like to think.

I realized in college that protecting myself by not sharing myself, my heart, my life, being involved, was sin. When I make playing it safe, not taking risks, doing everything right, not getting hurt, when these things become my way of life, it’s sin, I’m protecting myself and not loving others. In making myself the highest priority, I have to be selective in what I share, what I say, to make sure I look good, that I am good, that I don’t make mistakes, so people like me, love me, accept me. On this path though, I am not known, nor do I know, and it’s a dark path, for all the wrong reasons. Crawling into myself is so tempting though, because love takes work and pain is a guarantee, but this pain is for all the right reasons. Self-protection is a slow death. Being involved in other people’s lives is life, but life involves pain. I can’t state conclusively that I like the pain of love better than the pain of fear. There’s pain either way, just one seems easier, or at least takes less effort. In college and prior, I was incredibly self-protective, and do not desire to reach back to that time. My life has progressed, but progression is a long process. An honest look would show that I have grown more than I have not, but it’s the ‘have not’ that irritates my soul and drags me down.

I’ve had glimpses of passion in my life, of heart and what it means to love. I say this not in the romantic sense (there is nothing to say on that front, not for lack of desire), but rather in passion for life, people, activity, God. This journey has been anything but constant. Growth has often been a 2 steps forward, 1 step back style of walking. Then there are lies, the lies of Satan, myself, the world, that seep into my mind and challenge the validity of truth. Left unchecked, they quietly invade and seek to destroy. And for me, I rarely lash out at others, I save this destruction for myself as I draw inward to oblivion.

In the Dark Night commentary, it brings up the notion of a confessor. Certainly we are all familiar with the notion of confession within the Catholic church. Its value gets lost though. We are a bunch of individuals trying to ‘live right’ in a world with many voices. This world is just too challenging to live alone. But when we perceive that all those around are happy and together, and we’re not, we’re (I included) are not inclined to share, not when we’ll receive a blank look, a startled look, a judging look, or an indifferent look. It’s just easier not too. Confession is Biblical though. We are supposed to confess our sins, bear another’s burden’s. While it doesn’t necessarily have to be a priest, nor does it have to be everybody, trusted friends and older Christians can provide that listening ear to let us know we are not alone and a sounding board to truthfully tell us what we are and are not. I have had this at times, though not to a degree that I need (based on the acuteness of the lies I battle with).

I agree with Larry Crabb (Inside Out, Connecting) that we have ceased to connect with one another. Sure, it happens, but even confession and connecting are something we often leave to professionals. Have psych problems? Go to a professional counselor. There is a professional to solve every problem in life, as we do everything but connect with one another. Too risky. Too painful. The good or bad of psychology is not the point here, but rather all how it’s a cultural expectation to not bear one another’s burdens and help each other through tough times. All this in a time where the Internet provides unparalleled ability to connect. I have this blog, and am a member of LinkedIn, Friendster, MySpace, Messiah College Alumni website and others. Yet, I am not as connected as I could be, online or offline. I was much more connected right after college, even sent out a monthly newsletter to my friends. Some got value from it. After awhile though, I wondered if anyone cared, or were even bothered by my meanderings. A blog is less intrusive in that regard. There are plenty of ways to connect locally though, if I was motivated to do so, but my self-protective walls and wondering if people care have made it easier to not connect, but to stay in my comfort zone…even though I am anti-comfort zone. I’m all about new experiences, and they’re easy. Interestingly, the bane of many people, public speaking, is no big deal for me. Nervous? Yes. Afraid? Not at all. Asking a girl out and facing A) rejection and B) potential wierdness from her after the fact (seems to be more common with Christian girls, in my experience)? Um, yeah, afraid, very afraid, with part of me just not wanting to deal with the ‘game’ and the ice queens.

It’s hard to figure out what I’m supposed to be in this society, as a male, as a Christian male, as a single person, as a human being. I don’t know, but the script clearly isn’t written for my personality combined with my life experience. In some ways, this life has produced more unanswerable questions than answers. I didn’t fit in earlier in life, and as I get older, fit in even less, though at least I have a better idea of who I am now and what I want out of life. I think part of the reason I like my job so much is it’s easier to define who I am and what I should do in that sphere. Church? Haven’t a clue. I used to know. Even wrote our visions for new churches and ministries focusing on community. And I am not without community, and truthfully, and not without a clue. Of faith, hope, and love, I have struggled with all three, but I do have a whisper of hope and desire to press on right now. Faith and love are lacking however. I want to love. Maybe, again, I have to forget myself, again, daily. Faith is believing in what isn’t as if it will be, believing that all things can ultimately be woven together for good, believing that creative solutions can be found. I believe all that intellectually, especially the latter as it relates to imagination and creativity. My heart gets pounded though, and then I never want to show it again. Right now, it’s hiding, but is opening itself on this page, letting the frustration flow, releasing what it has been holding. I don’t like admitting I am still deeply flawed. But I will freely admit that I am deeply in need of God’s grace.