Seth’s World View

It’s Thursday, two days before I head back to Colorado, with 1 day of housework and regular work remaining. Today was a minor pain. It was in my head, a sinus headache. I don’t have headaches anymore, but it’s rather hard to concentrate with the space between my eyes is throbbing. The internet was down at home this week, and some other places around here. So, went to Border’s a lot. I went to Panera Bread a few times. The Panera without WiFi has outlets everywhere. The WiFi Panera has virtually no outlets, only one that I saw, about 10 feet from the nearest table. (place head-scratching here).

I was bound for Pittsburgh tonight to see Wes in the morning, and was going to contact Joanna, but refer to a few lines above. Internet is back up at home, so won’t have to leave to work tomorrow. Will also pack my car tomorrow, for the journey home.

It’s just so hard for me to stay focused on what’s true in this life, and to be the kind of person I am capable of being. Truth just doesn’t always seem true, or maybe I prefer to be negative. Despite being a good person in most respects, I have trouble being good enough in my perspective, or perhaps in the perceived perspectives of others. Even after ‘getting it’ a few months ago, I still can’t hold onto truth and be consistent. Sigh. It’s so hard to press on in life…and that’s when life really is pretty good in most respects. Perhaps is I had less expectations placed on me by trying to do big things. I say that already knowing that I would rather have tough things to accomplish than nothing to occupy my time. Doing nothing is not very fulfilling or challenging or encouraging (unless it’s in the midst of doing big things).

I wonder many things, like why I even bother with a blog. Do I want people to read them? Would I rather not because I’m not fond of criticism? Why does self-expression matter on the web, whether my old website or this one? Is it just vanity? Self-centeredness? Am I kidding myself that many people give a damn that I have a website? It’s not like people are flocking to them. Then again, it’s not like I’m posting on lots of others either. Maybe it’s a sign of a deeper problem with my attitude, that I really don’t think many people care, or perhaps I don’t care if they care or it doesn’t mean enough that they care, or I’m just afraid, or just angry at the romantic path my life has taken, or all of the above. I don’t know.

I still look to others far too much for my value, and I know that even then my perceptions are slanted to the negative. As I already know, I’m too hard on myself, and really, I care to much, about everything, and in the end, it makes me not want to care, and not wanting to try. And with Christianity being about Faith, Hope, and Love, I struggle with all three, and am perhaps just angry that I feel I’m not up to the task, even though a select few have told me I am. There are some things that haven’t been modeled well for me and the whole relationship thing is one, and I don’t really know what I think at this point, except that I don’t hold out much hope. I just want to not think about life, and relationships, and anything really. I just want to not think, and live life, peacefully playing my part.

I don’t know how to play it though, or who I should be, or even who I am. I don’t get life, and am almost afraid to live it. I’m tired of being down a few time a month, and when down, not really caring. I really wonder if I am going to make it sometimes, cause I really don’t always have the nerve to press on. I suppose in a day or two I’ll be just fine, and then be back in semi-despair mode in a week or so, and that’s what frustrates me. And some things that really confuse me, I won’t mention here, but it’s hard.

I don’t know. I’m down. I don’t have all the answers (actually, very few). I’m not always loving, and am often self-centered. I get down about things I shouldn’t. I know facing fears is better than being afraid. I’m really not that strong. And though I traveled to NZ solo, I’m really not that brave, and too often perform lest people see who I really am and don’t like me, but then think I perform poorly and use it against myself. And with girls, I’ve ceased to know what’s true and what’s not, and really wish I desired to be single so I wouldn’t think about it at all. Maybe if I thought I was something great it would be easier, or that I really had a lot to offer a girl in a relationship. And while I know I do have lots of great qualities, I usually don’t really believe girls would really want to date me. And I don’t know about the age thing, now that I am 31, and what girls would want to go out with me. It’s a couples world though, where almost all of my college friends are married, and I’ve never been close, so it’s hard not to be cynical and it’s hard to be hopeful, really really hard. The reality for me is that this is the #1 thing I get down about, and honestly, I just don’t want to deal with these emotions anymore. Like, either get into a relationship or be totally content and not desire a relationship. I just give up on it all….

And as I write the above, I wonder if I really want anyone to read the above, which is a glimpse of how ‘not together’ I am. But hey, I’ve never had it together. The problem with vulnerability is that it opens one up to being slammed, so perhaps I’d rather have people think less of me for being vulnerable than for being a lousy performer. Man, I hate my personality. It sucks. Guys just shouldn’t have INFP personalities. It just messes them up in this culture. I hate culture too. Or maybe I just hate myself…