Seth’s World View

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

As I begin, I am listening to Sixpence None the Richer and their song, Trust, based on Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight. Sixpence adds, Don’t worry about tomorrow, He’s got it under control. Just trust in the Lord with all your heart, and He will carry you through.

As soothing as that song is, I much prefer the song I just switched to: Love, Salvation, the Fear of Death. “Well I’m staring right into the face of hell. You’re so close and you can’t even tell. I’m so wrapped up inside, cause I don’t have much to love.” AND “Come and save my soul, before it’s not too late. I’m not afraid to admit, how much I hate myself.”

I don’t hate myself though, though I have at times, and when I have, the honesty of these lyrics has been quite penetrating. One of the main reasons I like Sixpence. It’s good to be honest before God, before myself, and be honest in the search for truth, so that in trying to be honest, I can also be open to seeing whether I am being honest about a lie, which has also been true of my life at times. If that made any sense whatsoever, well, you’ve been through it.

So, now I’m listening to my favorite quiet angst song, Mad World, as covered by Gary Jules for the Donnie Darko soundtrack. If you’ve seen Donnie Darko, goodonya mate, and if you understood it, well, I would be concerned. I like Sci-Fi though, and at times angst, and though I somewhat understand it now, perhaps it’s more about tone. Can you feel it? Can you feel a poem? There’s often something deeper.

If your life is free of failures, your not taking enough risks.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I have taken risks, and realize that there’s really no point in not taking risks, as we have only one life to live, and then it ends (this side of heaven). As a Christian, I believe in a better world on the other side of this life, which again should give me reason to risk. Still, I feel pain, and regress to my self-protective nature, learned from family, culture, who knows what else. Protect my heart at all costs, play it safe, block out pain. I have gotten beyond it at times, and find a measure of fulfillment in surpassing myself. I think most of the time I life in a protective state, one where I think too much of whether I’m liked or not, whether I should or should not, and lamenting that I am often not as wise as I’d hoped, in word or deed.

To escape criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
- Elbert Hubbard

I am an introvert, which means, they say, I am more internal than some, though perfectly capable of extraverting myself for a few hours at a time. I prefer one-on-one situations, easier to be deep, or perhaps in shallow conversation I realize how shallow and self-centered I can be. I don’t expect that makes sense. I actually am one who is not afraid of public speaking. Why? Because I am in control. So, when the focus isn’t on me, when I don’t know that people will choose to listen, those situations I’m more likely to be quiet, rather than be known, rather than face that people won’t listen or will disagree. It’s really not that extreme, but the generalization is true, or I perceive it that way.

Have patience with all things, but mostly with yourself.
- St. Francis de Sales

Yes, I am too hard on myself, but I also have to have the courage to face everything about myself. Not that I have to face it again and again, but much must be dealt with in this life, and to not have it crop up again, I must truly deal with it. Life is cyclical though, on many fronts. My love of people often sucks, and it mostly comes back to this whole self-protective thing.

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White

It’s all hard, and a lot has to do with perception, and being a person who tends to take it all on myself, to take it personally, to feel other’s pain…it makes me want to shrink back so I have to feel none. I like, crave, a world in harmony, but the world doesn’t want to be in harmony, so I, the peacemaker, am left in the middle. At some point I have thinking and just want to cease, or sleep, or die (knowing a better world awaits). Thirsting for a better world isn’t a bad thing though

The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.
- Jack London

I am a dreamer, but I only dream so far. I am a vulnerable person, but even that can be selective. Am I vulnerable to be real, vulnerable to connect, or vulnerable to gain something? Probably all three at different times, or maybe at the same time. To put oneself on the line, knowing there will be conflict and failure, and even to know it would be worth it, would I? If God clearly said, would I, or would I rationalize otherwise? Fear truly is the mind-killer.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you’re made to do, no matter what obstacles are in your way. Somebody somewhere needs you to believe in your dreams.
- Chris Blanton

It’s easier to selfishly think what it might cost than what the value of pursuing a dream might mean for others. That’s not to say I should martyr myself (though not altogether unappealing), but more to realize that life is hard, and most worthwhile things require a lot of work.

Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
- James B. Conant

Instead of loving and doing things for people though, the difficulties often seem greater, and putting myself out there just isn’t worth it. Even knowing that progress can often only be made through risk isn’t enough. Let fear win.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

That is death though, a living death, without life. Only by dying can we truly live. It’s easier to ignore that and be apathetic, but more miserable. Love, joy, and peace are not to be found there. Only when I walk in faith of something greater than myself is joy found, and though at times like now I choose to fear, the path of joy is before me. It’s not the easy path, but is clearly the better one.

If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.
- Martin Luther King

watched a bit of Good Will Hunting before arriving at the Barnes & Noble Cafe. It’s a piercing movie. Breaking down the self-protective facade is front and center. I am not like the central character, but then I am. I am really intelligent and capable, yet often choose to hide and play it safe. The one I can’t seem to get beyond is girls.

You cannot cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.
- R. Tagore

It’s hard to love, truly love, people more than myself. I’m sure I have at times, but to love in such a way that people can hurt me, where my defenses are down. Actually, there are people who have that power over me, and that is good. But, there is still a battle within myself. The part of me that fears rejection in any form prefers to put myself down before others get a chance, and while I do this less than earlier in life, I still do it. On a larger scale, over the last few weeks, I have pulled back on the following.

People: Get involved in people’s lives. I have often feared this, but part of it has been laziness, and I am certainly not alone in this. Yet, most of the impact one can have is to love someone and get involved in their life, even if to share a cup of coffee or a game of tennis. Even here rejection can be found. Some people have their own self-protective shells that they don’t want to let people into, which might include me. I think though, that people ultimately don’t want to be alone though, and want to be liked.

Dreams: I always dream big, and honestly, am capable, and if I had any confidence in my ability to lead, I would probably find I could lead and even recruit ably, but I shrink back, and fear for myself, and the conflict, failure, and rejection that could arise. When, however, I grab onto it and put my heart into a other-centered reason to pursue dreams, then nothing can stand in the way. That’s where spiritual warfare comes into play, and I believe in a spiritual world unquestionably. Satan (or whatever you would prefer to call the dark side) doesn’t have to destroy me, but only drag me down. I doubt I’ll ever be much of a leader, despite all my ability.

Girls: I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t give a damn. I am pondering it all less, which is good, and I am allowing that God could work something out, but at the moment, to hell with it. I’ve lost any motivation to even make an effort to get to know any girls as a friend, let alone anything more. I’m tired of cultural perspectives, church perspectives, people’s opinions, movie romances, all of it. The times I make an effort, it comes to naught. Perhaps if I often made an effort, something would come of it, but I really don’t have the energy or the time for that, nor the drive. I expect five years from now and the rest of my life will be as it is now, so I will probably do the Peace Corp and similar things, because I have no desire to live in a couples world if I remain single.

Aim at the sun and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if you had aimed at an object on a level with yourself.
- F. Hawes

I agree totally with the quote above. I’m thankful for the things I am doing now, being a barista, a small business where I set my own schedule, doing sound for concerts. I AM doing a lot. Maybe someday it will be enough, and I won’t pressure myself to be so much. Maybe, though, to be who I am, I must risk, and not just follow the easy paths I am now. Most likely true. With whatever pain I feel now, and let me add, the pain is less than the good in my life right now, I pray I grab hold of it as part of me rather than fearing it, and move forward facing all that is before me, loving those around me, and live dying to myself to be who I truly am.

The meaning of life is creative love. Not love as an inner feeling, as a private sentimental emotion, but love as a dynamic power moving out into the world and doing something original.
- Tom Morris, from his book ‘If Aristotle Ran General Motors’