Seth’s World View

I’m sitting at the Barnes & Noble Cafe, presumably to do work. On my right is a half-empty cup of ice Americano, with a bit of Splenda. Teas sit to my right, and past that, a few people who were speaking Spanish, which is cool, to hear something other than English. They serve Starbucks coffee here, but still pull shots the traditional way. For that, I am greatful.

I ponder questions, as I always do, pertaining to life and all that surrounds it. In this instance, I am contemplating the mysteries of life relating to women. I realize some things as I grow older, hopefully things that are more true than what I previously thought, or at least more daring. Idealism is a strange thing. My early idealism (along with fear) saw myself going into ministry, missions, or something similar. In that case, the girl I would choose to spend the rest of my life with would certainly be important. For instance, if I clearly saw my future in foreign missions, marrying a girl who never wanted to leave Pennsylvania would probably cause some issues. Another factor of my idealism was not dating a girl if I didn’t see a possible future with them. Why waste their time or focus, or mine? And yet, in my immaturity, I sometimes conveyed the notion anyway, without words. I’ve spent many wasted thoughts mulling over girls, wondering, hoping, doubting, all that, so my wisdom can definitely be questioned. End result? Have spent time with girls, but never in a romantic setting, never dated, never been in a ‘relationship,’ never kissed a girl on the lips.

As my college years ended and I entered the world beyond, my destined vocation never seemed to come into fruition, or maybe I wasn’t ready for it, or maybe my idealism or faith was misplaced. Where I should live, what I should do, all of it didn’t fall into place as planned. When I contemplated going joining the CCO initially, I told myself I was just too self-centered to be effective in ministry. Tried going to Erie multiple times to start a ministry focused on the arts and music and service and coffee house and internet. Never gained traction, and truth be told, never had my heart in Erie, only romantic notions of changing the world, or at least Erie.

My life in Colorado was bittersweet in regards to women and vocation. Vocationally, I had a great time at NTU. Ministry-wise, did some cool stuff at the Rock. My expectations are high though, and I haven’t reached my potential. If I’ve hit 50% of what I am capable of, I’d be surprised. It reminds me of what arguably the girl I liked most in this life said to me once (no, nothing happened between us): “You’re the most capable person I’ve ever known. You shouldn’t get so down on yourself.” Yes, true.

Some time before I left Colorado, I really got disillusioned with a lot of things, mostly relating to myself and my place in this world, and women of course. Even so, I had learned and grown much as a person by then. There are many things I wasn’t in college, and it’s taken awhile to get here. Going overseas is something that I desired for awhile. Having now done so, I feel ever so much more complete. I didn’t kid myself though about my motives for going at that time. What did I have to lose? I did it for myself, no one else. I did pray about it, and felt a peace, but wasn’t spirit-led or anything.

I suppose I’ve gone in and out of disillusionment all my life, really. It’s part of the personality, part of my imperfect childhood, part of an imperfect world. After watching so much of my idealism be dashed, I then wondered what the point of my idealism toward dating was. In retrospect, there are girls I could have dated, and at least 1 or 2 I could have married, if I dated them. I could be married now, and have spared myself some things. I see that I could be happy, and don’t need to live the idealistic life I imagined. The fact is, my life hasn’t measured up to that idealism, so what’s the point of being single then? If I am changing the world as a single guy, well, it’s worth it, but if I an living a fairly normal life, what’s the point? I might as well have gotten married to one of the girls in the past. The past. Have had to let girls from the past go, and friends from the past in general. I’m one of those who maintains connections with people I’m no longer around. Took me awhile to realize that most people cease to care I exist once I’m no longer around.

I was reading a forum once on a church website, and people were discussing dating and such. Amongst all the play-it-safe, be careful about your motives dialogue, was someone saying: risk loving someone, get hurt, and live life. While I think motives and not using people are important, I’ve come to the conclusion that many Christians (myself included, most of my life) are just scared control freaks. If we overprotect our hearts, we miss life. It is only in putting our hearts into life that we find life. Yes, surely we shouldn’t waste our hearts on everything, but I’m of the opinion that people in this disconnected society often don’t put their hearts into the things that they really value. Take God, for instance. How often have I pursued him and being like him without all my heart? Sure, I want God and to be like him, but only to a point, only when it’s not too difficult. With girls, it really comes down to whether a girl is worth pursuing. If so, I should pursue. I mean, if a guy can’t take a risk and pursue, it really doesn’t say much about how much he likes/loves the girl does it?

I still wonder about what kind of girl I should pursue though. I realize now that people can grow into one another as they date, and even more so after their married. As one friend said once about I girl I liked, “As you get to know here better, she can become the person you’re supposed to marry.” So, much of my criteria is now worthless. My basic criteria right now is as follows. She needs to have a passion for God and be willing to follow him wherever He leads. There has to be a natural connection, so that having a conversation is natural and not forced. She has to be beautiful in my eyes, and at least make some effort to take care of herself in terms of appearance and health. Age isn’t a concern as long as she has a level of maturity. I suppose those are the essential, particulary the first one. If two people are willing to follow God, even if they must die to themselves, the rest will fall in place, and truthfully, I would be happy with that.

So, I could enjoy the rest of my life and likely be fruitful with a number of girls. Most of it is just making a choice to commit to someone. Still, the idealistic notions are still there. I don’t need them, but I wonder about them. The desire to have a soulmate who I can partner with in various life endeavors resonates with my soul. Maybe that’s just part of being INFP. So what is my ideal? In addition to the above, I’d like someone who can actually understand me. Very few do. I’d like a girl who also wonders about life. She’d be a creative artist in some regard. Honestly, I find a girl without makeup in paint-stained clothes or hiking clothes more attractive than a girl with makeup who is dressed for success. I’d love it if she was mission-minded and willing to partner with me on some community-focused endeavor, and do art shows together, and all that. I’d love to travel with her and live overseas, or do missions at some point, and do some crazy stuff together. If she happened to be from another country, that entices me. While I don’t have a strong desire for children, I can’t imagine missing out on having children if I were married. And if I could show them the world, how awesome it that?

That isn’t all required though. I’ve done enough cool things in my life to be content, as long as I can be fulfilled by loving and serving people where I am. Perhaps, though, singleness wouldn’t be so bad either. For the first time in my life, I really feel good about myself. I don’t need to marry or date to be fulfilled. I am a complete person by myself (with God). I really think I could be content never having dated. I would have time to get out of debt, and then would be free to live anywhere in the world. I could do the Peace Corps, teach English in China, move to Europe, or do some more formal type of missions. It’s all possible.

If that were clearly what God had for me, that would be great. The heart that beats in me says different though, and I think the longing to share life with someone is there for a reason. I’m no longer risk averse. While I feel I need to live where I am right now, if I feel good about someone, I’d risk the move to another state or even another country. I don’t have to see all the details anymore. Still, I refrain. It’s just easier. Perhaps that not a bad thing. There are areas of my life I still need to work on. However, there will always be areas of life to work on. Rejection isn’t really so bad anymore, as a girl’s opinion of me doesn’t change my opinion of me. Not every girl has to like me…only one. Yet, my dating inexperience, and just the fact that all girls are different and may have their issues as well gives me pause. Some girls don’t like to be pursued. And if I pursue, do I pursue a girl just like me or a girl who would be what I’m not? Do I pursue someone my age or younger? All these questions…

As a guy, I have come to grips that guys like girls. It’s just the way God made us, and there really isn’t any rationality to it. The fact that guys are more wired for sex and nudity and all that I’ve even come to grips with. The attraction is natural, but as with most things within creation, it needs to have limits. Anything can become an idol, and all these things are idols in American culture. I desire to idolize God, and to value girls as people for who they are. I find it interesting that I can be physically attracted to a girl and yet, I really don’t have much of a desire for the physical side of the relationship. Granted, having never kissed, it would be hard to take initiative to do so. Then again, when I think back to the last time I wanted to kiss a girl, that really wasn’t an issue (though i held back for a good reason). When I look at girls though, I just never think about wanting sex or making out or any of that. I’d prefer to hold hands, hug, cuddle, things like that. I really like affection, but can live without it. The companionship means more than anything else to me.

I took the eHarmony.com test once, just out of curiousity. It told me I was of the 20% that they couldn’t match. Keirsey said of the INFP that they probably have the most trouble getting married. That’s okay. By the time life is over, I will likely have been married. For now, I’ll just post all this so anyone in the world can read what’s in my head. I feel I am becoming more than I am right now. The future will take care of itself. Now is the time to be alive.