Seth’s World View

As is normal for me, it is late, and I’m typing on a computer. Why…yes, why. Maybe if I joined livejournal.com, I would have a pool of people who would actually read what I write, rather than only those who come across it in a random Google search. Perhaps there would be more of a point, since some seem to get something from my words.

How do I feel? I actually feel good, though scattered. Not afraid like I’ve been a lot previously. Steps of faith grant me a more peaceful path, one that contemplation never showed me. It’s the whole knowing or walking the path deal. So, my life needs to organize itself better to fit it all in. So far, I’m failing, though at least somewhat joyfully. There is work at my job, work at the coffee house, work through my church, as time dwindles, for which I am glad. Thus, my life isn’t together, maybe never. Struggle has lessened, that harbinger of pain which always haunts. Pain isn’t bad though, only fear of it. What pains me most though is the female dynamic. In retrospect, I am a fool, not just with women, but in general, and a coward also. I can think of a few girls in my past, a few I didn’t see a future with but who would have dated me, and a few I could have pursued, but didn’t. I thought my life would go a certain direction, and that I was something other than what I was, and would become something other than what I became. No. Instead of joining myself with someone and facing whatever we became together in an uncertain future, I did nothing. Perhaps that wouldn’t have been so bad if I was content all that time and busily fruitful for the kingdom. Granted, I still would rather be single than spend the rest of my life with someone I didn’t find beautiful. It’s hard to fit in a world made up of couples though, as the world will always be. Even though the whole desire for women and for relationship doesn’t even seem logical at times, it remains, and haunts. At times I don’t feel worthy of it. No, make that almost all the time. I’m far less perfect, less holy, less handsome, less than I’d hope. Hope. Or despair. Even a strand of hope is soothing, and necessary. Despair is death, and I’ve been in it’s jaws before. Now I’m on the other side of 30, feeling old, knowing that most unattached girls are much younger than me. Not that it matters for my part, within reason. A certain level of maturity is good, but mostly, a love for God and a willingness to follow where He leads. Those are my criteria now. I find it hard to accept that a girl that much younger could accept my invitation though. I wonder if it’s just another reason to add, to rationalize my cowardice. Well, I’m not sure I’m that concerned about rejection anymore, but I’d rather not do anything to make someone uncomfortable, and honestly, not all girls can handle be asked out (well, in Christian subculture anyways), so it isn’t all self-centered. In the scheme of things, my life can’t mean all that much to a girl, can it? And I know my flaws, flaws that seem significant to me, that give me more reason to avoid it all. Then there’s that fear, the one that comes from having no ‘relationship’ experience and knowing I can’t be the man who knows what he is doing…because I don’t. So I don’t. Thankfully my life is getting somewhat hectic, so I have less time to think, no, less time to commit to it, if I were to. So, while there is a shread of hope, there really is none. Why you may ask, do I bare my soul (if you’ve read this far for some reason)? Because I tire of worrying what other people think, or even of worrying about my own inadequacies. I’m tired about worrying whether I’m good enough (for girls, for jobs, for ministry, anything) and thinking about what I need to be or what I should be or how to manipulate a situation. Whatever. In his infinite wisdom, maybe Lord God knows best. I don’t blame God. I’ve had my chances, though I didn’t see them as such back then. So, honestly, what do I think the future holds? Though I desire it, I honestly don’t think it will even be. My mind can’t even accept that it will come together anymore. And if not, well, as long as my life is one of self-forgetting, where out of love for God, I serve Him and humanity. That would be enough, and I pray my faith is such, and that I can trust Him for all else. And if 5 or 10 years, the possibilities would be endless. With no debt, I could do missions, Peace Corps, other things. I don’t fear for my life. I do believe it’s worth living for the sake of serving others, but I have no hold on my life. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t feel cheated, I would welcome it. I’d rather be in the afterlife than here. Dying is easy. It’s living that’s hard. It’s putting my heart on the line that’s hard, living life wholeheartedly, living with failures and pressing on. That’s hard. And I’m weak. Even now, as I’m writing, a tear forms in my right eye, trying to decide whether it will fall. Yes, another sign of weakness, then again, I’ve always been weak. My life will go on. I do, at this moment, believe that God loves me. Whatever happens henceforth, I hold onto that. Without question, I know at age 31, that I would rather have God than be free to sin. God showed me the paths. Yes, I could sin…and live a mediocre life where I don’t fully know or love God and people, or I could have God. I choose God. He’s worth it. I have empirically verified that being with God is better than being separated from God to any degree. Sin separates me from God. God embraces me. And now I cry more wholeheartedly, in joy and courage found in my Lord, my King. I will obey, and my life is no longer my own. In that, I will rest. Though I am not much, He is. He is the creator of the world. He is more powerful that I can imagine. He is Lord. I am not, and for that, I am greatful.