Seth’s World View

Editorial:
I had a few people tell me they didn’t get my June newsletter. Well, I didn’t send one out last month, for a variety of reasons. I’m back though, ready to update you on what’s going on in Colorado.

Current Events:
Starting off the month of June with a small group retreat, which was a good time to bond with my bond group in Winter Park. The next week I attended the wedding of my friends Brian and Carolyn. I was supposed to run the aforementioned Jesus Run that weekend, but a minor injury kept me from it, oh well. I volunteered two more nights at Bas Bleu. On June 14th, I went to see the Indians play the Rockies at Coors Field. We won! The Indians won that is. The Rockies hit one long to tie it at the end, but it was caught for the final out. Go Tribe!
From June 28th to July 4th, I went with a few friends to Delores, Colorado. We hiked Wilson Peak (14er), visited Hovenweep, hacked at 4 Corners, at Mexican in New Mexico, and boated on Colorado’s second largest lake. The following weekend was spent backpacking with a few new friends for Poudre Wilderness Volunteers. Aside from the hail and my car spinning out of control, it went pretty well. Went to Jen and Craig’s wedding, the third wedding of the summer.
Still no job, can survive financially till end of October, then must work anywhere. Until then, I’m endeavoring to make better use of the time I have. Do you ever think: If I only had time, I would ______. Well, I have time…now just need to live every day to it’s fullest.

Reflections:
Overall, June was OK, and July was awful. I hit my lowest point emotionally since first arriving in Colorado (when I knew no one, had no job, etc.). There have been numerous, well, challenges from March on, starting the week of the layoff. Initially I was amazed at how well I was handling life. As this summer has progressed, I have wore down, and finally fell apart this past month…
Why? Various factors and events that have added up over time. More than anything, disillusionment. Deciding whether to stay here or not has been hard. My idealism makes it harder. Looking at my future, I have no definite career path, no idea if/when I’ll get married, uncertainty as to whether some of my ideas at the Rock will pan out, am not sure if I fit in anywhere in this world, etc. For the most part, I don’t even know why I’m here…but I know one thing for certain…God wants me here, so my commitment is till this spring, no matter what, and beyond that I can’t see.
My journals, from 1995 to 1999, are now up on my website under /writings/reality, using hidden links. So, if you’re really, really bored, you can read a few sections and see just how immature I was during my college years. It’s nice to think I have life together, that I have matured to some degree, that there is a glorious path to walk. Then I look back at my life, mistakes I have made, faults I have, negatives experiences. It’s sobering, to realize how imperfect my life has been. What is more troubling, though, is realizing I still make mistakes, still sin against God and others. I often don’t believe God, and can’t seem to make life work the way I want it to.
So, more than any other time in my life, I’ve been broken. My virtues fail me. My flesh fails me. You know what though…right now I’m joyful. It’s when I see how “unlovable” I am, that God’s love for me is the most awesome. I’m his ragamuffin child, and He’s my daddy. He’ll love me no matter what. He knows what’s best for me, and will lead me, if I will follow. It’s about who He is.
I came very close to giving up and leaving Colorado, thinking there was nothing left for me here, that it would be too difficult to stay. Life is hard. It’s easier to avoid pain and hardship, but running doesn’t make it go away. I know that from experience. God’s promise isn’t to keep us safe from pain and suffering, but to be with us through it. As it says in My Utmost For His Highest: “His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God.”
Obedience is a difficult thing. Facing fear is hard. Forgiving is hard. Loving is hard. Do I trust my Dad? Do I believe His ways are best? Knowing my weaknesses, do I have the faith to trust that He can work through me? Words can’t answer that question…only my life can…and I pray it answers in the affirmative from now on.