Seth’s World View

Though I did meet a French girl at TEDx Phnom Penh who I connected with for a few minutes, then never saw again. That will make sense to about 5 of you, maybe. I mused about this a few years back. This summer, I will no longer wonder, because I will be in Vienna, but I will travel by plane and bus, not train, so it won’t be quite the same. The sole reason I want to go to Vienna is because of the movie I’m alluding to. I heard someone said it’s very beautiful there, so I’m glad to get another vote for a place I already want to go. I’ll have to visit Teuchtler Schallplattenhandlung. Maybe I’ll even find an old Kath Bloom record (already have the song though). When I get to Paris, I’ll have to visit Shakespeare and Company, along with Le Pure Cafe. Maybe even the Louvre. The Louvre actually gets precedence, but if I can visit the others, I certainly will.

This does mean that I finally get to see Europe. More details will follow once I have more details to confirm. Despite the movie references, I’m not looking for romance there, but I am looking to be a tourist. It should be a blast.

There are many moments that make up life. This is one of them. As I’m typing, I’m reminded that I took a typing test today. I scored about 68 words per minute. I never type that fast though. Not because I can’t. But because I don’t think that fast when I’m writing an essay, and simply transcribing is boring and unengaging. And that doesn’t include numbers. I’m not as fast when typing numbers. I’ve been thinking about numbers more lately. That might have something to do with learning to count in Khmer. It has more to do with taking microeconomics, which as my friend David says, it’s a new paradigm that requires substantial thought.

I’ve written a lot in my time on earth, but a lot less the last several years. I’m not always sure why to write. I seem to write best when I don’t know why I’m writing and am just discovering. That includes now. Perhaps you won’t think this is good writing. It’s true that the first draft usually isn’t the best, but it is the most satisfying for me. When my writing is unconstrained, it is enjoyable to type words. I think not having expectations is a huge part of it.

Expectations trip me up. They often have. My own. Other peoples’ are really my own. They suck the life out of me. That perhaps is an oxymoron. I’ve thought a lot about tomorrow. Researched tomorrow. Analyzed yesterday, and that in view of tomorrow, what might be, what might not be. I think that today is good. Today, I’m doing better at not doing things. I can’t enjoy everything. Actually, maybe it’s possible to choose to enjoy most things, but it’s not about all things being easy and relaxing and fun. I have a self-centered nature that doesn’t always want to do what’s hard. Some things I won’t do unless structure applies some pressure. The challenge, for me, is not committing to some things I can do but am better off not doing. Not everything will be energizing, but it’s not wise to add too many tasks that are draining, if I have a choice.

I can say that today I’m rather content. And that’s good. I sense a sense of God’s presence and a peace. I have plans for tomorrow. Some are exciting. I’m optimistic. But I’ve decided I’m okay with a lack of certainty about the destination. I’m less certain about specifics because I’ve seen how big the world is and how small I can be. More than one time I’ve had very specific plans that I failed to accomplish. There are times I knew, but knowing didn’t get me there. Faith isn’t necessarily about knowing what’s on the other side. It’s trusting that I will trust as I walk in that direction, and that God is God wherever I may step. It’s looking around and actually seeing what I might not see if I wasn’t looking. It’s listening. It’s not going too fast. It’s being ready to make hard choices and face awkward situations. God, not surprisingly, is more concerned about the manner of man that I am than He is about vocation A or vocation B. And when I say manner, I’m not talking merely virtue or character. We don’t need God to have those things. But do I have faith that there is a God who is the God of tomorrow and today, that He is faithful, that I am righteous through his death and life? Not always. Through some periods of my life, much less. I only have today, and it’s there that I live.

So, my first post in 2012 is about…V. Which V? V as in Visitors.

I finally watched the new V series. I liked it more than the original. Having actors who had starred in Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, and Stargate was certainly a highlight, but it also was more plausible with a great political slant to it.

For those of you who never saw the original mini-series in the 80s, the thing to understand, is that it wasn’t a mini-series. It was an event. Imagine a time when cable TV was in it’s early days and network TV still dominated. Imagine a time in America before Nintendo when computers were still in their early days. Imagine a time when the Internet didn’t exist for public use. It was this time in America, in 1983, when V was released.

The marketing campaign, as I recall, was not too revealing. It generated interest without telling. When we watched the Visitors arrive in 1983, Americans who huddled around their television sets (me included) didn’t know what was going to happen. When the Visitors said they come in peace, I didn’t have any reason to doubt them (but I was rather young and naive at the time). When Donovan first saw what a Visitor really looks like, he was terrified…and so were we. Americans, collectively, felt the same emotion at the same time. If they didn’t see it, they might not see it at all. Not everyone had a VCR in those days.

The following year, The Final Battle continues to the franchise. I still remember, vividly, being at someone else’s house and watching the birth of the hybrid children. When the reptilian baby poked his head out, it was a shocking moment, one which required us to wait till the next day to see what’s next.

I’m rather glad the American media landscape is more diverse now. I’m glad there are more viewing options and that we do more than just view. In trying to evaluate movies though, one has to understand the cultural context of the time. Though I like the new V more, it can’t compare to the emotional impact of the original when it was released. I may forget the new V after a time. I’ll never forget the original 2 mini-series and the series that followed it.

It’s now 5 months since I’ve left Fort Collins with my friend Christopher on this journey to gain overseas experience and a sense of my heart. It’s been long, and short. I can’t believe 5 months have passed. It doesn’t seem like it. The last 6 months have been pretty exhausting (note that includes the month before I left). Planning and preparing and packing and going. It’s been a lot on my shoulders. Thankfully God graciously has presented pictures to me that I hadn’t the sight to envision. But it’s still exhausting, and I kindof realize that now that I’ve slid into home for awhile. Safely landing for a few months while we get further on our feet.

I like to have multiple avenues to explore. Thus I’m volunteering at EYC, developing an OLCP educational program, taking a feature article writing class online, taking an online microeconomics class, talking about assisting World Hope with their trafficking database, talking with a few people are freelance work, doing some work for CPS (my company of 10 years), partaking in some local events, contemplating grad school possibilities, winning at fantasy football, and talking to friends & family over the net when I can. It’s not all that. It’s the expectations I put on myself along the way, coupled with what I still have to learn about resting from all my stresses. Coupled with whatever additional thought I need to give to eating right and exercise (thought about, but perhaps need to think more). What’s that all mean? It means I was stressed out this past week and needed to mostly relax for most of the week. Feeling a bit better now, more, relaxed.

I realize some things. Some things I needed to realize once I slowed down a bit. I could easily spend the next several years of my life seeing the world. I could work part-time in web design or teach English is many lands or do things like WWOOF. For a period of time, this year, that is nice. But over time, I’m a creature of community. I need to be rooted. Yet, in New Zealand, I didn’t really feel homesick. I felt it was time to leave Fort Collins, but, but, I find myself missing people there, missing the quintessential essence that I can’t identify. I’m not sure whether I’ll ever live in Colorado again, but if I return to the states this summer, I’ll likely fly to Denver first, then train or bus back East. And then, THEN? That’s been the question. And I’ve had a hard time settling it.

I like strategizing. I’ve been pondering paths into development and international affairs, thinking how I could strategically place myself into interesting corridors. I could. And who knows, I may. But not of my own planning. Trying to live up to my own ideals, my own plans, my own idea of what I could possibly do with my life, it’s just too much, and crushes my heart into the ground. Not only is the preparation too far away from where I am, but more importantly, I just wouldn’t enjoy it, and if I don’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t get too far. That’s the upper echelon, and it’s just not a place I’d enjoy being. I wouldn’t fit.

So, I’ve been thinking, and am still thinking, about the bottom, doing community development, working with people directly. But you know, working with people who speak a different language takes a lot of effort. I love culture, but it takes time to build bridges, and sometimes that bridges are best crossed by those already in the community. To do community development is really investing in another world for a significant period of time. And maybe I just miss my support network, who are too far away. It’s not that I don’t know some wonderful people here. It’s just that it’s not the same. It takes time. And I like it here. But there’s a difference in mindset between expecting to leave and expecting to stay.

And I realize, more importantly, that I desire two things: a fulfilling vocation and a wife. It’s not that I don’t want anything else, but those are the ones that I feel longing for. Traveling the world is not required. Though I could, but traveling gets old without a context and relationships.

I am changing my direction again, but only slightly. I’m going to apply to SIT still, but I’m now going to pursue International Education. I’ll learn some of the same things about community development and experiential learning, but I’ll also have a more distinct career path into programs for study abroad, international programs, cultural exchange, and cross-cultural workshops. I’ll be able to be a trainer and facilitator. I’ll be able to work at colleges with college students, who I’ve been around for years on end. Education is a thread that been there in jobs like NTU, Rocky Mountain High School, and with a few of my clients. I’m now doing an eductional project with an NGO that is primarily doing education. Perhaps most importantly, I’ll enjoy this path, and that I think is what I’ve given too little credence in this journey.

Miss you all. See you in 6 months, maybe.

It’s been almost 5 months since we started this excursion to Southeast Asia. I can’t believe it’s been that long. My visa is in the process of being renewed for 6 months, and will be multi-entry. We just moved into an apartment for 3 months, which I’ll tell you about more later. It’s incredibly nice to be settled into a place I can call home and to have my own bedroom again. Living other places has been good to, and sharing rooms has also been good. Even taking cold showers has been okay, though a hot shower is now pure bliss. I’m currently at my new ‘happy place’ known as Boston Book Company. It’s like Anthology bookstore in Loveland with nicer seating and a fountain.

I miss my former homes in a way that I can’t describe. I’m not homesick. It’s just I can’t replicate years of relationships overseas. Not the same. I’ve lived the tension for awhile of liking newness and rootedness. I like moving in a direction and I like knowing I’m making a difference. I like the journey, but there’s only so much preparation I can do before wanting to arrive at a destination before I am once again rooted. I could easily teach English in multiple countries. I could enjoy that providing I actually believed in the way I was educating. That is not always guaranteed. I may yet teach here. We shall see.

Be well, all of you.

I’ve met people in Cambodia. I seem to be particularly good at running into people I’ve met at Brown’s Coffee. Make that 3 people, including my CELTA trainer from Cambodia, who I didn’t even know had moved to Phnom Penh, but there he was.

Got invited to a pizza dinner one Friday night from someone who saw my name and profile on the Internations website. More people were met that night. Have gone running with the Hash House Harriers, who like to run in mud and drink beer. Met people there. Today, I had a great chat with a coffee roaster.

It’s surreal really. I’m making connections. Sometimes they just appear. There are some possibilities are the horizon I know about, and one’s I don’t. As I know, I’ll write more.